Monday, April 29, 2013

Living with Myself

Important recent events: traveled to Israel on my birthright trip; got promoted to advocate at work; began playing computer games again; and make important relationship plans.

There's so much packed into each event, such that they're really not events so much as glorified epochs. I could live in those moments for years, just remembering the details... the poppy flowers in the Golan Heights. The Confederate flags plastered across high-ride trucks in Batesville. The hours spent grinding character levels on World of Warcraft. The anxiety over band and stone selection.

But amidst these times, I've still had to deal with the never-ending tiredness that seeps into my bones. The tiredness of pushing myself when all I want to do is sleep...

At such points, I turn back to writing as my outlet. My only outlet.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Late Night Poetry

As a tramp in a suit wears his tie affixed with rope
so do I craft a hangman's noose 'round these boondocks
posing as confidante and counselor
in courtrooms, conference rooms, backrooms
where tongues will wag
and speech be crafted legalese

I wonder what the days would be like
if I didn't have the night to recollect them on
probably they'd be endless and dull
boring into my eyes as my fingers now do in the dark
attempting to push away flash-backs

Those faces, those meek, poor, huddled masses yearning
for what? Not a shore, not a refuge
they want nothing but something
something, I wish I knew what
so I tell them corporate lies
well-practiced from overuse
well-oiled by bloodied coworkers
and they eat them up with a spork
catching the droplets with a calloused palm grip
smiling, "thank you sir, you're my savior"

Just call me Jesus

No wait, call me never
my name's not a prayer, my profession ain't exorcist
I don't do demons, I can barely handle my own
besides, I'm Jewish, so why don't we just eat bagels and call it even?

Meanwhile, you can keep dying
so I can stay employed
and we'll pretend this is a fine thing
for human beings to be doing

But before I go back to the shadows of my dingy hotel room
one thing, last thing, I promise this is the thing...
what was your name again?
I can only remember your number, for some reason
it must be because it matches my ancestor's Holocaust number

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Thoughts and Sleep

These days my thoughts tend to ramble around inside my head like boulders in a fist-fight, knocking my skull, pressing up against the back of my eyes as if they could see through to what I see. Which is what? More of my own thoughts again. I seem to spend a lot of time in the company of my own thoughts. Just thinking.

It's not that I'm lonely or alone. It's just that I spend a lot of my time doing thing that require internal work more than external work -- I sit and write pretty much the whole workday. When I get home, I sit and I play games to relax. In the end, I'm always in front of a bright screen, thinking of what to write or what pixilated monster to kill with my imaginary warrior. It's a lot less sad than it sounds, I swear.

But back to these thoughts: I've been pondering Israel, the idiocy of my peers, the beauty of nature, what Judaism means to me, how to save/spend money, whether this client deserves an extra 30 minutes because their case is more sympathetic than the other 900 pending, and when the hell did my family disintegrate into pockets of nuclear bubbles? I dunno. I also think about the future, about traveling, about helping people, about writing The Next Great American Novel, about if I like the idea of getting into politics, and of exercising more.

It's strange inside my head. So much hope and passion is pressed up against so much sadness and pessimism.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Stating the Blogvious

On April 29th, 2008, I started this blog. Mostly because a girl I was crushing on convinced me to start blogging. That girl has since fallen by the wayside (and frankly, not missed) but still... I think I owe her a small "thank-you" for pushing me to begin what became probably one of the most influential endeavors in my life.

If I hadn't started this blog, I'd never have learned so much about race, gender, class, etc. I'd never have discovered so much music, never had an excuse to get my essays published, never grown as much as a writer, never found so much cool art. If I hadn't of started this blog, I'd never of met the love of my life and current girlfriend.

Sobering, right? Like stepping from cold water to cold air.

But these days, I hardly seem to have the energy to even shoot off a couple of lazy paragraphs. What with my work as a disability advocate, rekindling my love of computer games, traveling around the country/world, and hanging out with my girlfriend, I've been so busy it's a wonder I have time to change my socks, let alone complete one cyber-thought for the mouse-clicking masses.

Yet here we are. April 1st, 2013. My blog is soon to turn 5 years old. 5 years! And it is withering into a memory of a crazed youth already. So it goes, right?

Or perhaps I should take this up again? Perhaps I should return to the blogging I did so often. Write like I used to: about everything and anything under the dark blue moon. I make these grand, sweeping statements about this blog's future, but perhaps what I need is something not so grand. Maybe just something small. Just something for me.

Guess, we'll see.