Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Casual Sex and the One-Night Stand: A Man's View

This post has been reblogged (with edits) from a friend's private blog guest-post in order to archive it with the rest of my material. Comments are closed, and will not be published. [Go here] in order to discuss the topic. 

Zek J Evets is a Jew-ish writer, musician, and anthropologist living in San Francisco. He is a contributor to anti-hate magazine Life After Hate, author of Distorted Orange Hidden County, and blogs frequently at Zeitgeist of the Saboteur Academia while finishing his undergraduate degrees.

I'm here in lieu of your regularly scheduled blogess Alee to drop a few knowledge bombs regarding the perception of casual sex, one-night stands, and all that mess from Le Male perspective.

My Experience

I've done it Nice Guy, Bad Boy, attempted seduction, pick-ups in random bars, online dating, and other strange places. While I'm no Casanova Don Juan-looking kind of dude, I did manage to date around until I was snatched up by the proverbial Girlfriend (though the title barely encompasses our loving relationship).

From what I’ve seen, the old meme of men = sex-crazed, and women = shyly sexual is not really all that true. I am living proof that not all men desire random meaningless sex in abundance. I've been at the shallow end of the pool, attempting to emulate the so-called "players" I grew up with, thinking I could knock back ladies like they were vodka shots. I was successfully unsuccessful – or is it vice versa? Either way, the result was only a feeling of loneliness.

My dating history has also shown that a lot of women are only looking for meaningless sex. (Men reading this may notice their guydar going off at this point, reading “bull to the ish”, but I'm serious!)

This might be surprising to the ladies reading, but many guys are like me and don't just want a bunch of random sex, especially when it's the woman doing the dumping afterwards.

(I still shudder at the memory of one particularly horrible experience. A girl actually kicked me out of her bed at 4 AM because she was too drunk to do anything else and she had to get up for work early. I sarcastically call this my half-night stand.)

Men, Sex, and Attachment

Just like women, men experience a period of increasing emotional attachment after sex. But unlike women, men don't typically ask to cuddle afterwards. Instead they try to turn the girl into a wifey – the woman they plan to be with for life. The guy thinks, "That was some hot shit. I need to keep this girl around!"

A guy can become territorial after only one encounter – even if it was only making out! This sense of ownership and possession may be inbred or enculturated in men; I’m uncertain, but its existence is clear. What’s stranger, men are likely to hold on to that feeling even after the relationship is over and a woman has begun seeing someone else.

(I knew a guy who still tried to have quickie hook-ups with a former friend with benefits of his while she was pursuing a dating relationship with someone else.)

Sex in Relationships: Men vs. Women

It's important to know the difference between men and women when it comes to the requirements of sex in a relationship (whether serious or casual). Most guys see sex as a physical manifestation of attraction -- they like you so they want to have sex with you. In dating, a guy will generally want to immediately sleep with a woman they have a strong enough connection with. Sure, there are men who can just have sex with a stranger (and I'm sure we've all met them). But believe me, even if you just walked up to a guy, leaned in close, and whispered in his ear, "Wanna have sex?" you'd still need to have a conversation before he'd believe you and feel comfortable enough to get crack-a-lacking.

However, men DO want sex, and they usually want it early on. In relationships, most guys I know are hesitant to wait for long to have sex, even with women they really, really like. Actually, especially with women they really, really like. (Not that they won't wait! But they won't like it.)

The way I’ve seen it in post-college life is after three dates it's "acceptable" to have sex. After more than about a month of dating, if a woman doesn't want to have sex with you then chances are she isn't attracted to you. For myself, if a woman didn't even kiss me after the first date, I tended to be suspicious of her interest in me. (Mostly because I've been used a lot. I'm too nice.)

And the depressingly ironic thing is when a woman likes a guy, she is more likely to wait to do anything physical! For fear of messing things up! (To me, this is the height of foolishness. But considering my history who am I to judge?) Consequently there is always that push and pull where a guy wants to go further physically than a woman may be prepared to go. Often it's not because he's "only interested in one thing" but because he's trying to connect in the most fundamental, biological way he knows how.

Many of you are probably thinking of caveats to this, exceptions, stories you've heard, or people you know. But I'm not talking about single instances. And I'm definitely not talking about college. (Which seems to be where everyone forms their lasting impressions of the opposite sex.) I'm talking about the real life, post-grad, living in a city, trying to get a boyfriend/girlfriend, haven't had sex in months dating world.

Let me close on this final thought. Despite all the flak men get for their shallow sexuality, I have yet to see a regular guy who wanted to have sex with someone he thought was attractive but didn't actually like. For all our faults, most men are not as shallow as that. Ultimately, for men, sex is about closeness. So to the women, when a guy wants to have sex with you, before you kick him to the curb or make him wait it out another couple of weeks, perhaps you should ask yourself if he just wants to be closer to you.

Just saying.


1 footnotes:

Student of the World said...

Im kind of at that phase now where I just don't want to get involved in serious relationships, only casual ones. Because it's summer and I feel incredibly lazy.