Monday, May 2, 2011

Obama Got Osama

[Osama bin Laden is dead.]

The news has been making the rounds lately, so I'm sure ya'll have already heard. One of the greatest international terrorists, wanted for almost 20 years by various governments, and nations, who masterminded one of the most horrific acts of terrorism against our country in decades, who precipitated two wars, countless spikes in oil prices, and a restructure of airline security measures has been killed in a three-story million-dollar mansion at Abbottabad, Pakistan by a team of U.S. Navy SEALs working with the CIA. His body was verified via DNA compared between samples taken from it, and matched with his deceased sister's DNA. The body was then taken into custody and given a burial at sea according to Islamic laws. [Source]

[In the words of Dave Chappelle], all I can say is... GOTCHA BITCH!

But seriously. I don't want to celebrate the death of Osama, because to me the death of a mass-murderer is not something to celebrate, nor do I celebrate death in general anyways. (Unless I'm in New Orleans for one of those Jazzy funerals they have.) I don't want to celebrate this man's death because of the repercussions for us having finally killed the person who, to fanatics of fundamentalist Islam is akin to Elvis Presley. [Our troops are not safer because of this.] For some Muslims around the world there will be mourning, and then anger, and then having to find a way to deal with the fact that we killed an infamous Muslim. [Maybe we made Osama into a martyr?] Maybe we only cut the head off a snake to allow another to grow in its place? And instead of expressing care or caution for the sake of ourselves and our allies, we [shot off fireworks in Los Angeles] and [chanted with cheers at Ground Zero.]

That said however, to all [the people who have gotten their panties in a twist], and tried to take some high road by looking down at the rest of us for celebrating I would ask, what else would you have expected to happen? This man was a mass-murderer. Sure, death may not always be something to celebrate, but this guy wasn't exactly The Pope or Mother Teresa. This was Osama bin Laden! This guy's occupation was killing American civilians, and people of all colors, creeds, or nationalities all over the world. I'm not sad that he's dead. And I won't apologize for it.

Also, the families of those who died on 9/11 must tonight feel [some sense of relief] that the person most responsible for the loss of their loved ones is now dead. For the firefighters and policemen of New York, for the airline workers across the country last night must've been something to cheer about because this man who many would equate with Hitler or Stalin as a Face of Evil is now full of fucking bullet holes and dumped into the ocean.

Again, I won't apologize for not feeling sad about it.

But I would like to apologize because someone I know, who I broke the news to made some comments that at the time I was too distracted and full of emotion to properly address.

My girlfriend and I were talking about what happened and then this person said, "Yeah, you know what I hope happens? I hope we get attacked, because that's what we deserve for fucking celebrating like this and everything."

Full stop. What. The. Fuck? You hope we get attacked? As in the troops? The country? The people setting off fireworks? The people holding flags? The 9/11 families saying prayers like, "Thank God he's dead"? Just who do you mean when you say we, you sick twisted sociopathic fuck? If you want to wish death on someone, why not pick someone who deserved it and earned it, at least!

But I was too busy, too distracted, too completely flabbergasted by the comment to say any of those things. Which is why this will be the only thing I'm going to apologize for. Moving on...

The reason I am celebrating this momentous event in American history is because to me [this is a vindication of President Obama.] He did something none of the Republican't War Hawks could do. He did something that Dubya couldn't do, even after seven years at the helm with carte blanche freedom to utilize our entire military apparatus.

President Obama, the sissy liberal with a high falootin education who likes to compromise and talk things out and, y'know act like what a politician should be can throw down, like a ten ton hammer! Seriously, if anyone mentions the phrase "wussy liberal" again, I'm just going to blithely point to Obama's speech last night, and smile.

However, I can still see [the Birthers and other haters] making a ruckus about this issue. I can picture Donald Trump's racist and Toupee'd face (fresh from the [spanking he took] a few nights ago by President Obama's Almighty Hand of FOAD) asking questions he thinks will best get him nominated for president. "Well, I'm not certain he's really dead. I mean, where's the death certificate? Where's the body? Why did Obama wait so long to release this? I think everything needs to be studied, and verified, and authenticated. Then we can start talking about the real issues."

I'm curious to see [how this will change the political landscape] in the coming weeks. True, nothing has really changed with Osama being dead. He's merely a symbol now, of something that people are going to use to their benefit. Palin, Trump, Huckabee, and maybe even Clinton are all gonna wrangle over the corpse of this dead terrorist that rightly belongs to Prez Obama. In the words of my girlfriend's cousin, "Let me show these fools how to get reelected right quick."

Obama has now just translated all the bad vibes, Birther nonsense, and Republican-controlled political ish to hopefully [widespread and mainstream support] for the progress he wants to make (and that I want to make too) for our country. If he capitalizes on this, Obama will not only be reelected, but he'll be able to finally fulfill some of those promises he fumbled earlier in during his term.

Also, [I wonder how our international friends feel about this development?] How do they feel? Happy? Sad? Neutral? Worried about a continuation of U.S. occupation and international police actions? I encourage the international crowd to comment if they can.

Anyhoo, I'd like to close on this post with my heartfelt support for the troops who actually took down Osama bin Laden. Which is a first for me, to express support for soldiers, but I want to because they did something finally that I feel was a Good Thing. I'd also like to express my sense of solidarity with my fellow Americans during these auspicious days that we may now take solace in the death of a man who did us great wrong, yet remember that an attack on this fanatic is no attack on Islam, because no matter which murderer seeks to hijack it, Islam will always be a religion of peace.

Finally I just want to say to Osama bin Laden, wherever you are...

Enjoy those pineapples shoved up your ass! And say hi to Hitler for me.


[P.S. Fox News.. What the hell??]

6 footnotes:

Anonymous said...

don't be so quick to celebrate. we still don't have a video or picture of dead Osama. his body was dumped before a single journalist could take some photos and videos. a quick DNA test was done but with Osama's body gone no independent body can do any further testing unless the US shares some of the samples they've taken. and all of this testing and burial was done within 24 hours. what was the hurry?
i donno if and how long osama's been dead, but this whole thing looks pretty fishy.

Zek J. Evets said...


Oh, I think celebration would've been quick a week ago. As it is, the man is dead; there are photographs and DNA evidence to support it from the White House who has yet to give us (at least me) any reason to suspect anything... conspiratorial. That you seem to imply one is kinda funny since there are far more compelling conspiracies out there than faking Osama bin Laden's death.

That said, if this ever should turn out to be a hoax, I will immediately have to eat my words. But I doubt it will be. This isn't Dubya's presidency. Obama has many flaws, but I'm doubtful a government with so many flaws could pull this off.

And, in fact, besides far-left and far-right extremists, nobody is seriously doubting this.

Anonymous said...

can you post links of some of those photographs?

Zek J. Evets said...


As I recall the White House hasn't released them, but there's supposedly pictures on the web if you search.

Anonymous said...

there's only one fake photo doing the rounds.
the real ones should have been released by now. Washington didn't wait before burying Osama at sea. what's holding them back now?

Zek J. Evets said...


I don't know honestly, but the fact remains that either you trust in all the news outlets and the government officials, the foreign government officials, and individuals who have accepted what's happened. If you don't, that's cool, but I do, and so do a lot of people too apparently.