Thursday, April 21, 2011

Why Date a Black Woman

This was a question an ex-friend of mine once asked me. Confused, high, and drunk, he said, "Zek, I've just got one question: why a Black girl?"

My sarcaustic reply, "Because I hate White people."

But seriously, it seems lots of people -- of all colors -- are confused and surprised by the fact that I'm dating a Black woman. Maybe it's because I'm geeky, Jewish, and White. (And as we all know, Black people are infrequently geeky, rarely Jewish, and NEVER White...) Whatever the reason, I am often confronted with the disbelief of some random person who is incapable of understanding how a guy like me could POSSIBLY get with a Black girl. (P.S. Her name's Jasmin.)

(Here she is!)

The reactions do vary though, based on gender, age, race, sexual orientation, etc. Most White guys give me that classic Quagmire, "aaaaaaallllrrriiiiiiiiight!" Black dudes do a double take and then say, "thas wassup". Hispanic men tend to whisper and nod. Asian men barely pay any attention. White girls either want to adopt us or give my darling the side-eye like she's competition. (Even though we're already IN a relationship.) Black girls just adore us, especially older Black women -- younger Black women take it as a sign to make like a vulture and descend upon me like a freshly dead animal in the desert. Asian girls smile; older Asian women scowl. Indians cock their head and look bemused. Gay people are ecstatic and supportive. Lesbians continue making out with each other. And Hispanic women gossip with my darling in Spanish, unaware that I can understand most of what they're saying.

But back to the reasons why I'm dating a Black woman... Well, allow me to let ya'll in on a not-so-little not-so-secret secret:

I'm not dating her in spite, despite, or because of. I don't have Jungle Fever. I don't have a Slave Fetish. I'm not rolling with some White Guilt. I'm not color-struck or horny for exotic women. I don't hate my parents. I'm not dating her because I like big butts (but I cannot lie, I do like them, but that's not why). I'm not looking for a "cultural experience". I don't hate Whitey. This isn't to get some mixed-race looking babies. I don't think she's an "exception", or that she's "not like other Black people". Nor do I think she's a Black woman stereotype. It's not because I couldn't find a White girl. It's not because I couldn't find any color girl. I don't love her because she's Black, nor do I love her because I'm trying to be color-blind.

She happens to be a Black woman, and that's a part of who she is. And guess what!? Who she is is who I love.

Being in an interracial interfaith relationship that started out long distance over the internet isn't exactly your typical "boy meets girl", but people really read too much into it sometimes. They need to find some way to justify us. Some way to understand WHY we're together. People have to make up a reason for our normal relationship happiness.

No, I'm not asking her to convert to Judaism. No, she's not turning me into a Jesus freak. No, we're not trying to rub our relationship in your face. No, we don't care what you think. No, we're not deluding ourselves about how much work we need to put in to make a stable, comfortable, and long-lasting relationship. No, I'm not emasculated. No, she's not a hassle. No, we don't always get along. No, this isn't because we're "settling for less".

Yes, I really do love her. Yes, sometimes we fight. Yes, sometimes we have really loud sex. (Yes, sometimes we don't.) Yes, sometimes she snaps at me. Yes, sometimes I infuriate her. Yes, sometimes I spend a lot of money on her. Yes, sometimes she treats me to dinner. Yes, sometimes she bugs me. Yes, sometimes I get on her nerves. Yes, sometimes we sit on the couch and do nothing. Yes, sometimes we don't agree on race or religion or gender or politics. Yes, sometimes we maybe agree just a little too much. Yes, sometimes I can't relax because I don't want to offend her. Yes, sometimes I relax too much and take her for granted. Yes, sometimes we give each other back-rubs, wash each other's hair, or nit-pick one another. Yes, sometimes this isn't a perfect relationship.

Yes, sometimes this is the happiest I have ever been.

We're a normal couple, just like so many other people you don't hear about because who wants to hear about a boring happy ending? Not the people who watch reality TV. Not the racist bloggers. Not religious fundamentalists. Not gossip girls. Not players. Not those soap opera Middle Americans who've never seen anything more different than a person with red hair.

So to answer the question at the beginning of this post: Why date a Black woman?

Because I love her.


16 footnotes:

Student of the World said...

Wow.....people need....lives.

LOL All my exes friends were all black/hispanic, expatriate Euros of varying races ethnicities, we never had this come up when we were together.

We were only together like two years though. And he was older, so he never entertained the notion of people questioning anything he did at all. Because he was extremely stubborn and quick tempered and people around him knew this.

Mira said...

I guess IR dating is still considered an oddity in the US, so that's why you get all those questions and looks and... stuff. Now, I might understand someone's surprise, if IR dating is really that rare where you live, but more along the lines "how did you guys meet", not "wha... why are you two together? Why do you date a black girl". As if dating a white one is the only "normal" option for you.

I liked the way you described your relationship (I could do without the description of sex, but oh well). That's how relationships are. It might be shocking to some people (who like to think you talk about race or religion 24/7, because it's the only that defines you two and your relationship, right?), but who cares about them.

Then again, people should REALLY mind their own business. I mean, none of this concerns them, so why do they bother? Unless they feel it DOES concern them somehow.

Zek J. Evets said...


People DO need lives, but then again... So do I, sometimes =P


The descriptions of sex are kinda... required, haha. I'm surprised you Euros would be so shy about them! Isn't the stereotype that Europeans are very open about sex? Or is it just the French?

I don't mind if people are curious, but I just get annoyed at constantly having to reframe my relationship to fit into someone's mindset. Or worse yet, watch them stumble to do so.

But all in all, this post was more of a distillation of a couple of thoughts that had been swirling around for a week or so.

Mira said...

I am not shy about the description of sex, I like to talk about it and stuff. But I am also not used/interested to read about such personal things.

So you could say I like talking about sex, but more in general terms than in "what I did last night" sort of way. Though I always thought the story of how I lost my virginity is quite hilarious.

(I also have a problem of determining what is considered TMI and what's not).

Now, back on topic, I guess it must be tiring to explain over and over again something you must find that simple. Especially if you know you wouldn't get any of these questions if the girl you love is white (and Jewish?)

Student of the World said...

Lol yes thats true. I have a life that I'm ignoring at this very moment lol.

I don't know there are many people who's personal decisions I find questionable.

I find the personal decision of a friendly acquiantance who chose to drop out of Community College three times questionable. He now works an entry level job, plays MMPORG all day and hates his life.

But, I unno he had issues he had to work out. It's understandable. Seems unwise in the grand scheme of his life but it's his life.

Still race is so unimportant. There are personal decisions that friends make that don't affect you that make way more sense to question, such as, Why did you shave all your ball hair off and wear it as a mustache that last time we had a party? You really should stop drinking man.


Maybe your former friend had some issues he was ignoring and decided to question your decisions until he felt better about himself. How did he react after you responded to him?

Jasmin said...


My mom and my cousin read this (it's linked to Z's Facebook)--talk about embarrassing!

Zek J. Evets said...


Haha, sorry darling! Totally forgot about that detail >_<"

Student of the World said...

@ Jasmin

Girl, do not be ashamed. Flaunt it, like a Diva.


No for real though...

>.> <.<

RVCBard said...

The reason you date a Black woman is because you're Jewish. Everyone knows that.

Linking up with Black women is a wonderful Jewish tradition going back to the times of Moses. Joseph's Egyptian wife, Tzipporah, the Queen of Sheba - the list goes on and on. Then you have Steven Spielberg, MC Search, etc. Chances are, if there's a White dude who is publicly known to be married to a Black woman, he's probably Jewish.

Unless he's David Bowie or Robert De Niro - although you never know, with DNA and all.

Zek J. Evets said...


Haha! Maybe... But I'm reluctant to stereotype it as ONLY Jews, mostly because of some outstanding exceptions. (Like De Niro.)

RVCBard said...

Come now, Zek. All Jews are exactly alike.

Zek J. Evets said...


Noooo! We're really not =(

Unless you mean all the young, White male Jews in American. In which case... yeah, we're pretty similar ; )

RVCBard said...

Yup, Zek. You and Seth Rogen must be like, twins!

Jasmin said...



Anonymous said...

Great read. I love the Honky graphic. I have to use it on my blog someday. I don't see what's the big deal is about in regards to IR relationships. It seems like we haven't progressed. It's quite sad. I'm in a casual relationship with a white man and if it ever progresses, I am going to dread that "look at that white dude with the black chick" look. Ugh!

Zek J. Evets said...


Thanks! I try to entertain as much as I can while I'm blogging catharsis. I took a glance thru your posts, and if I'm reading right, the only thing you'll have to worry about isn't the "look", but the peepers as you two make-out in public places! Haha, kidding but serious ; )

Honestly though, it's not like people judge all that often. It's just that the times that people do stand out far more than the times that they don't.