Sunday, March 7, 2010

Fashion Faux Pas

Okay, so clothes aren't really my thing. I'm not a fashionisto, or even particularly well-dressed. My style consists of jeans and a t-shirt. Sweaters when it's cold. Jackets over that for when it's really cold. And then sometimes a collared shirt when I need to look spiffy for a hot date! (With my girlfriend, of course.)

The closest I ever got to legitimately authoritative on fashion advice was during an 8-month stint working at a local Tilly's in Costa Mesa. (For those of you not familiar, Tilly's is a surf & skate clothing shop.) I pushed product like a drug-dealer, selling camis and dickeys better than a bond-broker at Charles Schwab. My average day's work was worth well over 6,000 dollars!

(Not bad, huh? I don't credit it to my knowledge of clothes and/or fashion, but to my rather good salesmanship. However, it did educate me somewhat on the subject.)

Anyways, after that brief stint of a job, I decided that I was something of an expert in the area of "what looks good" versus "what looks really really bad" on women -- emphasis on what looks bad.

Here's a small selection of my personal Fashion Faux Pas.

(Alternatively titled, Annoying Clothes People Wear.)

1. Muffin-tops.

Surprisingly, women still do this. Why? For the love of my virgin eyes why? Do you really think nobody notices the mass of flesh trying to escape the waist-band of your nigh-unto-bursting pants? Please, get something that fits and hit the gym! (Or better yet, just crawl into a cave in Mongolia and die from over-consumption of Häagen-Dazs Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavor ice-cream.)

2. Male Uggs

Okay, Uggs are bad enough. (Yes ladies, they really are.) But Uggs on a man!? What the fuck side of the bed did you get up in the morning? The lame side, obviously. Uggs For Men are just... weird, and remind me of a time before skinny-jeans when men had to buy women's jeans in order to get that "skinny" look, as part of a greater trend of men appropriating women's clothing for themselves. For the record: don't wear Uggs. And if you're a man, definitely don't wear Uggs. You just look like a fashion douchebag with too much discretionary income and bad taste in shoes.

3. Leggings are not pants.

Seriously. This is a major issue in the world of practical fashion. Every day, more and more women are succumbing to the temptation of lazily putting on underwear and thinking they're dressed. Sadly, this seems to be systemic of how most women dress. Here in the BA it's almost a full-blow epidemic, with nearly 3 out of 4 women under the age of 22 attending SFSU wearing leggings as pants -- shirt not covering the posterior, ass hanging out, chunky ones flopping around like old deli-meats, and on more than many an occasion one can catch sight of the dreaded... camel toe!

Not surprisingly, there is a website devoted to the leggings-as-pants crisis. Here's the link: [Tights Not Pants]

4. Pajamas as day wear.

This is one my girlfriend and I heartily agree on. It's just fucking tacky to see you rolling up into class with some plaid-print on, lazy and gross. Did you even take a shower? And when you're wearing that while just walking around The City, it's even weirder, and lamer. I have a better idea: when you wake-up, put some clothes on? It'll do wonders for your look. I swear!

5. Crack kills.

Okay people. I know this is dated, but somehow still seems to be an issue! Can you pull your goddamn pants up? Take a lesson from the ghetto: crack kills! Nobody wants to see your waistband drop for a rising moon. I don't care how good-looking you are (or how good-looking you think you are) because the result of the effect is the same -- disgust. Don't just get clothes that fit; get clothes that stay where they're supposed to. If your pants are fighting a losing battle to gravity, you might need to get a different size. Or buy a belt. But for the love of gawd PLEASE STOP BENDING OVER AND SHOWING ME YOUR NASTY ASS-CRACK.

6. Male skirts.

This is something I keep seeing around, and it never ceases to amaze me. What the hell are you wearing a kilt for? Are you Scottish? Do you have a Mel Gibson Braveheart fetish? No...? Okay THEN LOSE THE FUCKING SKIRT! Seriously, I can see your balls dude, because you know less about crossing your legs than Paris Hilton does in a mini-skirt. Also, why are all the men who wear these "utility kilts" big fat men with beards? Was there a convention nobody told me about? Have the creepsters united in some sort of subtle fashion suicide? Please, just lose the dress and put on some pants. I don't want to see the thong you're wearing underneath.

Anyhoo, this has been an announcement from your local anti-fashionisto. Wear with care ya'll.


8 footnotes:

Gwen said...

I totally agree about the leggings not being pants. Thats REALLY disgusting..
And OMG I've never seen Man Uggs before! Where do they wear those?

I also hate when people wear really heavy coats c'os its cold out side..and then flip flops.

Its like are you hot or cold?
I personally dont like men in super tight skinny jeans to the point where you can see which way they are hangin'..but I know its a big thing nowadays.

Mira said...

Oh, this was so funny! As a person with NO fashion sense whatsoever, I am happy I actually managed to understand the article and to *gasp* agree with your points!

Tell me about the leggings! Those were extremely popular in the 90s in Serbia, and some women wear them today. Why? Whyyyyy???? It's so horrible. Serbian folk singers have a special thing for them.

Oh, and "crack kills"! It's another thing extremely popular in Serbia today. All the young girls wear their jeans and pants so low, so you can see their thongs. Bonus points if there's a tattoo.

Never seen a man in skirt. But I like the style on that guy. Maybe it's not such a bad thing, man in skirts I mean. But then again, I hate skirts (except those long ones), so I wouldn't want to force anyone into wearing them.

Zek J Evets said...

@gwen: they wear them in san francisco, apparently. heavy coats + flip-flops are also prohibidado (which i say in spanish because it's just that bad, haha). the skinny jean thing is difficult, mostly because some men are "grow-ers, not show-ers" and so pants that fit sometimes don't...

@mira: i'm glad you liked it! thanks =)

the skirt/kilt thing is worse when you see it in real life, because men can't cross their legs it seems. besides, that picture is too easy. the people that i really see wearing them are much... grosser.

Anonymous said...

"Prohibido", my dear. (Lol, you make it easy for me to be a Spanish snob :-P)

FYI, I just learned what "grow-ers not show-ers" meant like 2 weeks ago! Chris explained. :-)

Zek J Evets said...

@jasmin: i know it's actually "prohibido"; i was quoting a movie...


also, you FINALLY figured that out? haha, and what would you call me, eh?

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Zek J Evets said...

@anon: excuse me? sorry, i'm kinda confused as to what you're referring to that has interfered? what did you want to discuss?

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