Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Just finished watching this movie on Netflix. The film was a recommendation. It confirms my obsession with Audrey Tautou.

Seriously, is there anyone on the planet who doesn't want to bone this lil' French honey-dripper? She's got more cuteness in one eyelash than all the college co-eds at Arizona State put together. Her performance in the movie was not just AMAZING, but it was also FUCKING SPECTACULAR. She was so wonderfully feminine - vulnerable but beautiful - playing all the guys, yet fooling only herself in the end as Love turns her practiced existence upsidedown.

Yes, I love me some Audrey. In fact, I'd like to take the time to tanget here and speak to Miss Tautou personally:

[jump to continue - click header

Dear Audrey Tautou,

Marry me.

I know you're probably dating some randomly hot French guy, who has chiseled abs and a great accent. But give me a chance here! I've got the quirkiness you're missing in your life. I can make reaaally obscure references and mangle your native language like a rabid dog. My R's sound like a bad cough; you'll love it.

Now, don't stop just yet. I know randomly hot French guy has probably got some millions, designer clothing, plus an eclectic collection of literature, and definitely a better place than I do, but think about it. You like Baudelaire. I like Baudelaire. You like movies. I like movies. You're gorgeous. I'm willing to worship you. We have so many fundamental things in common, especially the fact that we're both obviously in love with you.

Other positives to marrying me: I'm Jewish. I'm clean. I cook a mean steak (or scrambled eggs, if you prefer breakfast in bed). I never run out of conversation. I've seen... most of your movies. I am hilarious, and loyal, and... well, maybe not hot, but definitely cute in a Holocaust-victim sort of way. Also, I know how to fix things around the house, from the plumbing to the computer.

So, if all this hasn't enticed you to dump randomly hot French guy and accept this marriage proposal, let me tell you my trump-card.

I'm a writer.

Would you like to be canonized as my muse? Eh, eh? How does artistic immortality suit you? I could turn your every feature into epic poetry, your every anecdote into the Next Great American Novel, and each of your various friends to the cast of characters in your very own Oscar nominated, Academy-Award winning screenplay/film. Imagine the heights of fame you'll reach with my verbiage to propel you. My unwavering affection and intense desire shall make you into a legendary goddess... more than you already are that is.

So, yeah. Just think it over. You don't need to answer right away. I'll just be over here. In blog-land. Pining. Write me?


Your Most Seductive Admirer,

Zek J Evets

7 footnotes:

Melanie's Randomness said...

Aww this is so cute. I think she's a great actress in "The Da Vinci Code" & I don't know if you know who the fashion designer Coco Chanel is? but Audrey did a movie of her life it was on lifetime so i'm not sure if it would be on Netflix but it is a good movie, she's great in it.

in between thoughts said...

I love Audrey Tautou in AMELIE! I haven't seen Priceless yet but netflix recommended it to me as well. cute letter! fun post.

Zek J Evets said...

@melanie: i've heard of that movie, "coco before chanel". might see it when it comes to netflix. i did like her in the da vinci code, but she does best when she speaks in french.

honestly i just like watching her... i could watch her a cheeseburger and be satisfied. or get hungry. something like that.

@inbetween: aaahhh, amelie! overrated. bleh.

i'm not saying it wasn't a bad movie (because it was an awesome movie) but geebus p cryst, people really got a hard-on for audrey as amelie. i like her better in priceless. she's sexier, for one. and for two, she's way way way


glad you like the post!


Anonymous said...

You should see "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." Creepy.

American Black Chick in Europe said...

This isn't related to your post, but I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a blogger award :-D.

Zek J Evets said...

@anon: hmm, i googled the film, and it seems pretty interesting. i've added it to my netflix queue. thanks!

@abc: wow, an award? do i get a prize? or is it just pride?

either way, thanks much!

American Black Chick in Europe said...

@ Zek - Sorry, just pride! And the awesome feeling of knowing someone loves your blog!