Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A religious conversation at Union Square

This really happened.

Between me and a Christian Fundamentalist, hanging with his posse, preaching the "good word". Y'know, all that thinly-veiled conversion bullshit. "Believe me/my religion/this old dude who I kind of work for that needs your faith, and, more importantly, all of your life-savings for his mega-church in Colorado (because mega-churches are always in Colorado, aren't they?) or you'll go to HELL! Because God is one vindictive sonofabitch when you don't join His fan-club."

Anyways, here's the dialogue.

[jump to continue - click header]
"Do you have a moment?"
"Uhh, no, sorry. I'm busy."
"Too busy to save your immortal soul?"
"Did you know that The Bible teaches us all the things we'll ever need to live a blessed life here on Earth, and in Heaven?"
"No, I had no idea. Sorry, I really have to get going..."
"If you ignore the word of God when it's given to you, the fires of Satan will consume you!"
"Excuse me?"
"Yes! Eternal damnation in the pits of Hell. Unless you accept Jesus into your heart-"
"Shut the fuck up."
"I said: shut-the-fuck-up."
"See, this is why you need to take Jesus into your heart! He can save you. Make you feel so good about everything."
"No, I mean about the fire part."
"Huh? But that's what The Bible says will happen."
"Dude, I'm Jewish! Did you just tell me I'm going to burn in fires?"
"Oh, you're Jewish? Well, you know, Jesus was a Jew. You were God's chosen people, but even you can still be saved."
"Do you realize how fucking offensive that is? Telling a Jew he's going to burn in some fucking fire! Wait, let me guess. You support the Holocaust?"
"The Jews are a tragic example of a people who have fallen from God's grace by straying from His path."
"So if my people had just prayed to Jesus - INSTEAD OF GOD - they wouldn't have been killed by a genocidal maniac who was probably gay?"
"No! What? What I'm saying is that God works in mysterious ways."
"Fuck off with that 'mysterious ways' bullshit! What are you saying?"
"The Jews were punished for abandoning the Savior."
"Oh, so that's what you're saying. I see. If I don't join the J.C. fan-club, God will punish me, and all of my peoples too? Sounds pretty vindictive."
"It is not for us to understand or judge God. His ways are not man's way. His laws supercede man's laws."

"Okay... Can I ask you something?"
"Sure! Do you want to learn more about how to take the Lord into your heart?"
"Well, something like that. So, maybe you can help me get the story straight?"
"Mary was a virgin, right?"
"And Joseph was her husband, right?"
"But Jesus was conceived by God with Mary, right?"
"Exactly, that's what it says in The Bible. Would you like to take a look at this pamphlet from our church?"
"Yeah, sure, but gimme a sec. So, Mary and Joseph were married, but Jesus was born from God through Mary, right?"
"Yes yes! Look, if you just let me show you these passages, I can help you save yourself and go to Heaven."
"Wait. I'm having a thought. If Joseph was married to Mary, but she had a child with God, named Jesus, then doesn't that mean Mary had sex with someone - or some being, if you prefer - that was not her husband? Which would make Mary a cheating whore, God an adulterer, and Jesus a bastard, right?"
"Umm, I don't think-"
"Also, if Jesus was born from God and a woman, then he's not really fully divine is he? He's more like a demi-god. Like in Greek mythology!"
"Now hold on, I think you're misinterpreting the story as told in-"
"But you just told me that was the story in The Bible. Does this mean The Bible was lying?"
"The Bible is the word of God."
"Well, seems like God just confessed to having an affair."
"Are you crazy? God can't commit adultery!"
"Because He's God, right?"
"That's right! God could no more do evil than Satan can do good."
"So, then he totally didn't have sex with Mary to make Jesus?"
"God doesn't have sex! What are you-"
"Which would mean that Jesus is actually the son of Joseph - not God - and all those miracles and shit were done by an ordinary dude."
"That is not what I meant! When God lies with a woman, even if she's married, it's not adultery."
"What!? Are you serious? Lies with a woman... So when God sins, it's not a sin?"
"So what it is it then?"
"It's... it's... Providence."
"I don't know what you mean."
"It's providence! It's divine judgment! God works in mysterious-"
"Which apparently include diddling another man's wife and then leaving his bastard son to die on the cross."
"You are going to go to Hell for saying these things! Let me help you. Accept the love the Lord has for you, and take Jesus into your heart and into your soul. He died for your sins! All you need to do is name him your savior, then your sins will be forgiven."
"I'd rather not. Sounds to me like your team is a whole lot worse than Lucifer's. At least he's honest about shoving a pineapple size of BULLSHIT in a person's ass!"
"See, you're a sinner! God will punish you! When Jesus comes down from Heaven to reign over Earth, you'll be cast in the fiery pits with all the other sinners for eternity!"
"Yeah, okay buddy. Have fun selling your religion like a used-car salesman. Sounds like it's got a bunch of holes in it, but maybe no one will notice."
"Sinner, you're going to go to Hell!!! The wicked will be punished!"


Hot damn! I love me some fanatics! Hope ya'll enjoyed this as much as I did.

After a bit of research I found out that the church he belonged to is the same one that Ted Haggard used to be in-charge of. I'd like to note that this particular Bible Thumper wasn't as smart as the rest of his cult-members. They heard the conversation and just went back to trying to convert someone else. Guess I just give off that vibe of being a "lost cause". Nonetheless, angry eyes, rising red neck color, and the veins bulging out of his head made all the offensive, painfully cliched Socratic responses worth it. Seriously, I pity the overseer who had to instruct him on how to convert a nonbeliever.

Anyways, just another example of why Christians suck.

***Author's Note: I do not endorse religious intolerance, nor should any of the statements made in this blog be taken seriously. I am mostly almost always just joking... sort of. Also, dialogue has been transcribed from digital voice-recordings and paraphrased to ensure awesomeness.***

11 footnotes:

Sarah Alaoui said...

haha, of course I knew you'd be the dissenter...and "kiddy"? c'mon, it's FUNNNN. take a break from the love and serious talk and do something fun. jk jk, i was hesitant about doing it too, but...yeah : )

Jasper said...


For serious though, I'm not sure why you even engaged with this guy at all. It read like, once he said you were going to Hell-land, you were ready to pick a fight with him. Maybe I'd have a better understanding of the conversation if I heard the original recording, but you read as the aggressor. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't go about blowing holes through evangelists' theories. :D

The Jesus Crew picture made me think of Hip Hop, like the Funky Jesus Bunch. Breakdancers for Jesus. I queried "Breakdancers for Jesus" in the Google, but only found two results. [1] Was a thread on the christanteenforums about the glorification of God in Hip Hop (I wanted to read more, but it slowed my browser indefintely), and [2] something that could've potentially been interesting, but lead to a broken link. Frankly, I was disappointed in the lack of Breakdancers for Jesus in my findings. Ah well.

Zek J Evets said...

@sarah: well, shouldn't this be proof of my "something fun" nature? i'll try to incorporate more chillaxing for teh blog posts.

@jasper: yeah, i was the aggressor - once he started pushing my fucking buttons. i don't enjoy christian fundamentalists converting people right in the middle of where i'm walking. but even more so, i like messing with their precon/misconceptions. they caught me at a bad time, yet the guy also would've genuinely offended me... if i was capable of being offended by the likes of him.

hmm, it's interesting that you can find christian death metal music, but not b-boys/b-girls for christ... must be a sign of some sort. like that black subcultures are nation of islam, only? or perhaps christians can't dance.

'tis a quandry.

FunkyStarkitty50 said...

^^^ Christians do dance, and sometimes strip, but only when large amounts of alcohol have been consumed--especially Patron....I've known way to many girls from "Christian" homes to use this avenue as a way of supporting themselves in school. Speaking as a member of the offending party, I can appreciate your response to this lunatic. I think that it's arrogant to assume that Christianity is the only way and if you don't hop on the bus, you are going to hell. What a turn-off.There are Christians that are not into the "Bible Bashing"
"Holy Roller" stuff. The fact that this person was affiliated with Ted Haggard's church makes it even more hilarious.

tuleep said...

Hahahaha, oh man that's priceless. That was very similar to my outburst when I was told, "Well, I'll pray for your soul. One day you will see the light."

I'm thinking, if Jesus heard what you just told me he'd bitch slap some respect on that face of yours! What about tolerance? Respect? Love for all? Don't expect me to convert to a religion where many use threats to increase their numbers and monetary resources.

Jesus Christ.

Zek J Evets said...

@funky: thanks, i appreciate christian moderates and apologists. make me hopefully for all crazy religions - like discordianism.

@tuleep: damn effing straight! it's funny how the most radical believers of a religion seem to miss the point of their faith entirely. i mean, if there is a god, s/he must have a jonesing for irony.

Christie said...

This conversation was hilarioous! Christians don't suck. I'm Christian-Catholic to be specific. I certainly don't suck. lol. No, but i hate those extremists who go around preaching reciting the Bible without fully understanding it. They just sit there and swear everyone is going to hell. I guarantee you not every Christian is like that- well at least I'm not. We have a whole bunch of those here in New York annoying the shit out of everybody in train stations and such. But I'm glad you got a little feisty with him, he needed that. lmao.

Andruba said...

the best part of all that was taht you recorded it and it's not paraphrased in any way (hopefully) and it's the best. Got 'im tongue tied!!! YES! LMFAO!

Zek J Evets said...

@christie: yeah, basically any major city is game for a fundamentalist gang-bang of preaching, prostrating, and condemning.

@tuba: it's a little paraphrased (as i said at the bottom of the post). mostly i just edited out the comments by other people nearby, and some awkward pauses, because i felt that it "read better" at a faster pace than it actually took pace. also, missed the very beginning part where we said "hi" because didn't think to turn on my recorder yet. so that part was from memory. haha, but pretty much, that was word-for-word what i/he/we said.

@all: glad all ya'll really enjoyed this post. got so many positive responses. maybe i should add a religulous section, eh? kind of a bill maher meets jesus camp thing... hmm.

isityouorme? said...

love the last picture. pretty much sums up my attitude about God right now. I still consider myself christian but I'm more esoteric.

JacqueRoxx said...

Urrgrhh I hate people like this! They make Christians and Christianity look bad. Kinda messed up to keep questioning his religion though, but I understand I guess.