Thursday, June 18, 2009

Steve versus the Hobo

Got into a bum-fight this weekend.

It was great!

See, what happened was I was walking around Downtown, near Market, and this crazy homeless guy comes up to me and starts begging for some money. I ignore him. He starts moving in. I tell him I don't have anything. He says I'm lying. I tell him that I don't have anything for him. He keeps moving in closer. I start walking faster. He runs to catch up with me. I turn around to yell at him that I'll call the cops. Suddenly the fucker is all up in my personal space, hands grabbing me, and I start yelling out, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

The stanky breath, bloodshot eyes, yellow-gobs that could be teeth, and scraggly beard that scratched like a metal-spool-sponge... it was overwhelming. For a moment, I just felt completely helpless - typical deer-in-the-headlights kind of scenario. Tried asking him again, and again, but he wouldn't let go.

Then I kneed him square in the balls. He went down like the Soviet Union, and before the bastard could blink I was hammering him in the ribs, ripping at his ears, eyes, and as I got up, I started kicking him in the stomach. At some point I think he said he couldn't breath. I didn't stop - just kept going. Eventually he looked like he was trying to get up, so I leaned my head in, and gave him a perfect Liverpool Kiss (a head-butt for you newbies). He went unconscious after that.

I stood there looking over him, breathing pretty heavily, freaking out a little because I think I might've just killed the guy. I roll him over onto his back and check. He's still got a pulse, so I get the fuck out of there and take a cab home.

Never laid in to a guy like that before. I mean, I've learned a lot about fighting since the last time I got into a real fight (sophmore year of high school) but never had to use it. Never felt that threatened before.

Not sure what I was thinking, or if I even was. He was just a crazy hobo, looking for some money... I could've killed him. And in that moment as I stood over him, my breath still running quick, feelings of rage coursing alongside the adrenaline in my veins, I thought I was going to. I was positively murderous.

Dunno what pulled me to my senses. Maybe it was because he was unconscious, or because of my martial-arts training. Maybe it was just that split-second that allowed sanity to slip back in.

Normally I have a deep-seated pacifistic streak in me, but for whatever reason that guy, he got to me. And it's fucking frightening.

He got to me in that dark place you don't talk about, even with your psychologist. That part that's beyond animal instinct, doesn't care, doesn't even know what caring means. In the few minutes I was beating him, I was someone else entirely. I was someone who could kick a guy when he's down, and bust him in the head if he even looks like coming up.

I was ruthless.

And the rush, it was so terribly invigorating... Did I enjoy it? Or was it that me who existed so briefly there? I'm just as confused as I am concerned.

But yeah... that's my life for ya. So hardcore, I know, right? I can now add "bum-fighting" to my list of accomplishments. This is just another anecdote.

15 footnotes:

Andruba said...

Climbing a fucking mountain. Winning in a hobo fight. You just know how to cheat death don't you?

Zek J Evets said...

@tuba: haha, i think it's part of being jewish. survival skills.

you could try genocide, and i'm sure i'd still be alive.

JacqueRoxx said...

He doesn't let go so you knee him in the nuts????

HAHAHAhahahAHa! That's so mean! You went Hulk on a poor homeless old man and left him clinging on for dear life on the side of the road? It shouldn't be funny but it is...

emily said...

he didn't die immediately.
worries me that you left an unconscious man on the sidewalk though.
seems rather reprehensible.

Zek J Evets said...

@jacque & emily: well... he was attacking me, sort of, in a very crazy-homeless-guy manner. what was i supposed to do? give him a hug? call 911 and say, "hey, this homeless guy totally attacked me so i beat him unconscious, and could you send an ambulance, please? of course i'll pay for it - right after you lock me up for nearly killing the guy."

my karma and i will take our chances with having left him there.

Jasper said...

I am not a fan of homeless people.

Tonight, at the eVocal show, I was standing in the Alejandro's parking lot talking with some friends when one comes up. He asks if we have anything we can spare, so I, thinking it will deter him from making company, give him a dollar.

Without thanking me, he takes my dollar and tells us this story about how this girl stabbed a guy in the neck the night previous. I'm like, "fuck, man, I don't care. STFU&GTFO", and all of that. Well, it takes a lot ACME CO.-sized anvil hints to make this motherfucker finally go away, and he never even thanks me.

Point is, I am somewhat intolerant of the homeless. Perhaps, more specifically, strangers who invade my personal space asking for money. Sure, they may be down on their luck and have some serious mental and physical ailments, but get the fuck out of my space.

In conclusion, while I don't really condone violence as an acceptable resolve to any conflict, I feel as though you did what you thought was neccessary. I can't hate on that.

Zek J Evets said...

@jasper: think you went wrong by giving him a dollar. i've done that once or twice, and they think that by giving them money you like them, or something. guess it's not an impossible conclusion to reach, but for me pity does not = approval

but yeah... dunno why i erupted into violence like that. not like me at all. it's been a testy couple of days.

JacqueRoxx said...

I changed my url:

Jasper said...

=o Shameless self-promotion!
Steve, take it down. TAKE IT DOWN. Be the tyrant your blog needs.

By the way, I'm in this band called Habitat Against Humanity and we'll (might) be playing a show at Pehrspace in Echo Park, LA on Friday, July 10.

Here's our band website:

(also, please mark this comment for deletion.)

Jasper (HAH)

Zek J Evets said...

@jasper & jacque: haha, your shameless self-promotion will always have a place here at saboteur academia. it's pseudo-creative-types like YOU that make my artistic existence worthwhile.

Jasper said...

pseudo-creative? :cry:

Jasper said...

Oh, and my "shameless self-promotion" comment was sarcastic.

Zek J Evets said...



Anonymous said...

maybe you did kill him. i've heard of homeless people dying from a sprained ankle because they couldn't get around to forage/beg for food.

Zek J Evets said...

@anon: yeah... maybe. never gonna know for sure unless i see him again or something.

hopefully not though. i really hope not.