Monday, April 20, 2009

Torture for Beauty

So, this past Saturday I did a stupid thing. Probably the stupidest thing in my entire life. Probably the single most painful idiotic experience this sad pathetic little dweebster from southern-Cali ever did.

I'm talking, of course, about a body-wax.

YES! Finally convinced by roommates and semi-regular lovers to quit the man-scaping. My monthly hours-long shaves to remove the pesky bristle that covers the bodies of all truly eastern-European Jews. The Heb hairs. The Kike locks. I'm talking about the hairy-backs only found just west of the Caucasuses; long, black, coarse, with more kinks than the crooked-little-man in his crooked-little-house.

Does that gross you out? Sorry ladies, but real men have hair - lots of it - and in places you wouldn't expect. When the next ice-age hits, you'll be sorry you spent all that Nair on yourself. "No, I don't have a coat you can borrow. This one is in my skin." Welcome to a difference between the sexes, the biological barrier that keeps you in the kitchen, and men out in the fields hunting wild woolly Mammoths for dinner - killing Mastadons just because we can.

HOWEVER, I am a firm believer in trimming, which dates back to my bygone water polo/swim team days. Used to razor my youngest older-brother's back before games; a pre-tournament ritual to ensure minimal drag when the water gets absorbed into the follicle. Dragged you down because now you've got an extra ten-twenty pounds from that new-grown hyper-masculine chest.

I've become surprisingly comfortable with growing it out and then shaving it all off, rhythmic-timed to the weather's change. Long in winter, short in summer. I've got a seasonal coat. Works real nice, but creeps out the roomies.

This time, like I said, was different though. Looked up waxing specialists online. Wanted an expert with decent prices and skill to give me the ultra-smooth unstubble. Show off my baby-abs in Golden Gate park. Roll my shoulders like Brad Pitt. Get the ladies thinking I'm just another prepubescent young dude ripe for the... fucking.

Something like that.

But seriously, decided to try this out, see how I like it, because in case you've never done it like I do, shaving HURTS. (At least, with the amount of hair I have it does.) Stuck in the bathroom for hours, sweating, slips my hand makes my skin get cut, razor bumps, stubble growing back after the first day. Just wasn't worth it. Nu-uh!

I go to this place called Wendy's Hair and Nails, over in the Marina. Must be the only place of its kind not run by a scary Asian lady. Instead I got a cute little white woman, post-prime, looked like she must be someone's mom. Asked me to take off all my clothes so we can get right to it. (I was late for the appointment due to my habit of always getting lost the first time I ever go somewhere. But never the second!) She gave me the all-over look - twice - and then handed me a towel, for my dignity.

At first I think I'll be fine. This isn't 40 Year Old Virgin. I'm not Steve Carrell. Then she starts yanking and it's all I can do to not jump off the table and punch somebody in the face. It hurt that bad! Couldn't curse because there was a little kid out in the hall (a clever stratagem on the establishment's part, no doubt) so I had to invent my own expletives.

Out comes the hair on my legs. "Jesus!" Then my inner-thigh. "Mother of Christ!" The butt. "Holy bunches of oats!" Stomach. "Sons of Solomon!!!" Chest. "Odin's one-eye!!!" And finally, the Dreaded Spot: my nipples.

No one to hold my hand. I ask her to get the whole thing at once. She obliges. Hot wax is SOOOO not erotic in this situation. Lays down the fabric and gives me the three-count. She pulls and...


No shit-kidding. I thought I was going to die. Felt like someone had sliced open my nipples with razor-blades and then poured lemon-juice on them. Hurt so much I tried passing out but instead I looked down at my chest and saw blood-spots where there used to be hair.

Guess movies can come true after all.

Other areas where it hurts a surprisingly large amount: upper-back, belly-button, ankles, and toes. (Yes, I even have hair on my toes. Fuck off with you.)

All in all, was getting waxed for an hour and a half. The next appointment had to wait. Cost one-hundred and ten dollars; tipped Wendy twenty plus, and bought some lotion, because the woman had to endure my chicken-shit-eating ass faux-cursing, talking faster than the Flash to ignore the pain.

And, of course, I had the brilliant sense to wear a white t-shirt that day. (How do you get your own bloodstains out? Anyone know?) So the public-transit ride was just awesomely awkwardly embarrassing.

Don't get me wrong, the results are undeniable... [insert sarcasm] I'm sure the next few weeks my body will be pretty well-appreciated - by burn-victims! Geebus p cryst, the cost + pain is too much! Dunno how girls can get the Brazilian bikini wax. Must feel like having your vagina ripped open with a thousand pin-needles.

Here are the pics. Before and after:



Don't mind the lame poses. Never had much experience trying to flaunt my body like the bros. See all the irritation? There was blood, actual blood, until I washed off and used a little aloe vera.

Yep. Look totally sexy, don't I?

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into these things. Then I remember it's because I'm so fucking stubborn. Should've left after the first rip! But noooo, wanted to go all the way, had already told people I was. Couldn't back down. Oy vey... Now ya'll know why my life is so crazy; it's because I'm a damn fool.

Anyhoo, so that's my story. Had an experience, and now I think I'll never do it again.

Feel free to comment, to ridicule, to laugh, and to sympathize.

11 footnotes:

stephanie said...

Men are so funny about hair sometimes. Personally, I prefer men hairy. Not just fuzzy...full-blown hairy. (Except back-hair. That ought to be groomed, of course.)

When my boyfriend and I were still doing long-distance, he would shave everything the day before I got there. After two months, I told him I wasn't going to fly out to visit until the hair grew out. Now we're going on two years of full-on hairy, and life couldn't be better. He's got the kinks and jew curlies too, and it's awesome.

I hope it, erm, works out for you...?

American Black Chick in London said...

I came across your blog via a post you made over on Siditty's blog. I just read this post and couldn't stop laughing. Absolutely hilarious! I've heard the more often you wax, the less it hurts. Or you could just stick to shaving...or Nair.

Zek J Evets said...

@stephanie: haha, yeah, i prefer my full-on hairy-self. (agree with you on back hair though, if only because it itches the WORST.)

won't be waxing again, ever. manscaping is so much safer.

thanks for your support, because real men have hair!

@americanblackchick: tried nair... let's just say the results were so bad i couldn't even blog about it. 2nd degree chemical burns all over my body, and the fucking hair didn't even dissolve! my follicles are some indestructible mothers.

glad you liked my post =) i appreciate an... appreciative audience.

JacqueRoxx said...

Why are your roommates so worried about the hair on your body? (In my best preacher voice)--->"Love that hair-a! Emb-a-race that hair-a!"

Zek J Evets said...

hah, thanks jacquee. not sure why they're weirded about by my hair. maybe just because i have so much of it? iunno... so it goes.

Taters said...

Um, once the irritation heals up (ouch) be sure to exfoliate otherwise you'll get crazy, painful bumps and ingrown hairs... so not sexy.

Zek J Evets said...

@taters: well, i've been shaving for a while, so i know how to avoid in-grown hairs. but thanks.

emily said...


good one.

1. i don't see anything wrong with your before pictures. don't stress.

2. the next time you feel like blowing a wad of cash, try electrolysis.

3. why even bother with toe-hair removal?

Zek J Evets said...

@emily: thanks...? i didn't feel anything was wrong either. i like my body - but, unfortunately, i also treat it like a giant hedge-bush-thing.

won't do electrolysis. that shit scares me. what if they accidentally give me electro-shock?

dunno why she did the toe-hair removal, but she did. wasn't at extra-cost.

Lex said...

You should try taking some pain pills (advil, tylenol) about an hour before you get waxed, it helps a lot.

Hell of an experience to go through alone, at least you can say you were man enough to try it.

Zek J Evets said...

@lex: heeeeeey! where you been? i was wondering where my best commenter had got to...

yeah, i should've taken some medication, but sometimes i forget the little things that make a big difference.

man enough? haha, somehow i thought the experience made me less of a man. but hey, thanks!