Friday, April 10, 2009

Pet Peeves R Us

Okay, what is the thing that annoys you the most? What gets you pissed the fuck off? What provokes an irrational and instantaneous hatred in you? What... is your pet peeve?

We've all got 'em. Pet peeves, minor annoyances, large-scale offenses... Everyone has something that they simply cannot stand. Nails on a chalkboard. Bad grammar. Those toddler-leashes. The sound of two cats fighting in an alleyway outside your window at four o'clock in the morning which is eerily similar to your girlfriend when she rants about "those dumb bitches on Rock of Love".

(Maybe not that last one.)

It seems to me that people get pissed off a lot more easily nowadays than they used to. I remember we were a lot more tolerant of other people's quirks - endearing or otherwise. We never used to curse like a drunken sailor when someone was driving too slow. No, it was cute. It was like, "Awww, how sad they have to go 20 under the speed limit because of their lack of motor skills. But look, they're trying sooo hard! Oooh... I just want to give them a big hug & kiss!"

Or what about the sudden abundance of grammar-Nazis? Investigating your punctuation like a compositional gynecologist. What the fuck did it matter if they had an incomplete sentence? Who cares about dangling participles and prepositional misconduct? You still know that he just said.

Yeah, and when we waited in line for coffee, or whatever, and someone had a complicated order, we didn't get all pissy that they're taking a long ass time and we "have to be somewhere", "very important", RIGHT NOW. No, we waited our fucking turn because we expected the same courtesy as everyone else.

Iunno anymore... guess we've just lost that whole humanity thing, or something. (Caring is SO last century.) And now if we can't be the biggest prick in the room, we'll get cock-blocked like all hell and never get shit done. It's not even about being competitive. It's about being like everyone else: busy, tired, hungry, cold, wishing the day was over and you could go to sleep. It's about being too much of everything to stop for a second and hold the door for someone.

Am I being too misanthropic? Because I do a fair amount of people-watching and this is what I've seen. Hell, I do it too! Somehow we've forgotten how to be polite. And I don't mean in that "which fork do I use?" kind of way. I mean in the, "did you need some help with that?" kind of way. I mean the kind where we go out of our way to be a better person and look out for someone else besides family/friends/significant other/useless pets/ourselves.

You know what are my pet peeves?

1) non-English speakers taking my food order
2) people who don't use their turn-signal
3) dandruff
4) Ugg boots
5) the smell of cigarettes on my clothes
6) getting the last of an old batch of popcorn or fries right before they make a new one
7) people who play Guitar Hero (YOU'RE NOT A MUSICIAN DOUCHEBAG)
8) anyone who doesn't know how to drink like an adult instead of like an asshole
9) those "I support the troops" stickers
10) "Christians"
11) girls who dress like a skank and then get angry when I treat them that way
12) hipsters
13) tramp-stamps
14) veganism
15) whoever it is that gives out parking tickets after 6 PM
16) all of the food from In-N-Out
17) women with too much make-up
18) cheaters
19) ignorance
20) hatred
21) death

Yep... that pretty much covers the important ones.

But instead of celebrating our shared dislikes, let's try and be a little bit nicer to justify those times when we just can't help ourselves, when we have to be a hater for a minute because some bastard took our parking spot, or this dumb bitch talking about the guy she fucked last night is starting to get on our collective nerves.

Simmah down now. Take a breath. Relax. Let it go. Find your Happy Gilmore "happy place".

Better? Okay. Time to move on. They're are more important things than this in the world, and in your life. Not everyone is out to personally ruin your day. People are just people, imperfect and often ignorant. You can be the same way.

Just remember that the next time you're about to get into it over another insignificant thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

7 footnotes:

TeenCreeps said...

my pet peeve is when my sister acts like a beeotch, which she is acting like right now

Zek J Evets said...

not QUITE what i had in mind, but it'll do.

tell her your sister if she doesn't stop acting "like a beeotch" then you'll punch her in the ovaries, she'll go sterile, and then no man will ever love or marry her because she can't have babies anymore. her life is over, might as will commit suicide.

hope that helps.

emily said...

wait? really?
the meanest person ever telling people to be nicer to each other?

p.s. your pet peeves are soooo unoriginal

Zek J Evets said...

i know, strange isn't it? things must be really bad for me to notice and be the one to tell everyone to "max their relax".

p.s. my pet peeves aren't unique because i'm not really a hater.

JacqueRoxx said...

" 10) "Christians" "

lol, I don't know why, but ^^this^^ made me laugh, OUT LOUD actually. I kind of imagined you saying it in an "ewww" kind of way. You know, like when a dainty little stuck up British lady sees a cockroach during a dinner party...maybe it's the quotations

Jasper said...

@JacqueRoxx: Maybe it's because Steve actually is a dainty, little, stuck-up British lady. In the best way imaginable, I assure you. You should hear his impressions of Steve Jones. ;)

Zek J Evets said...

'ello darlings! dis is jonesies jukebox!

i also do the osbournes:


but actually i'm best at the gecko for geico commercials, helping you save money on your car insurance, one cockney quip at a time.