Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Hey, despite my often melancholic depressions, love dressed as heartache, and the rants going on paragraphs spanning for days, there is still a larger purpose to promote here: Saboteur Academia. I'm a teacher of the new school, laying down lesson plans so you don't trip on cubicle walls and stay there.

Today's class is devoted to your texts. These are the books ya'll need to read, reread, and then - because I KNOW you ain't got nothing better to do - just read the mothafucka all over again.

First we have the classic canon of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.

This series of toilet-inspired hodge-podgery is your first step on the road to becoming a member of the modern enlightenment. It's got random facts, celebrity stories, urban legends, failed inventions, the history of everyday things, pop culture, palindromes, anagrams, and of course, the best info on anything W.C. related. I recommend starting with one of their all-star collections so you can get a feel for their style. Once you've cut your reading-teeth on that you can move up to the more specialized editions.

Next, we've got Schott's Original Miscellany.

Born of the British, this book is exactly what the title says, "Original. Miscellany." You get such a compilation of facts, factoids, factotums, factoturs, etc, that you won't know what to do with 'em all! However, you will, you will. A good Saboteur Academian is nothing else if timely in the application of the mostly-useless skills he/she has learned in the course of their reeducation. (Remember the wise-words of Brother Bill Watterson via Calvin & Hobbes: "I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.") Peruse this to increase your abilities at weights & measures, and all that other stuff there wasn't time to learn in school... because then when would you get your nap?

After you've gained the knowledge of randomness and facts, it's time to move on to present-tense.

Streetworld is a must-read for anyone trying to catch up with the steady-rolling century. (Err...millennium.) Experience globalization at its best - through underground urbanity/humanity. Check out subway-system graffiti, customized gravestones in South African townships, Thai punkers, and the strangely exciting world of Jell-O wrestling. Up your street smarts so you can roll with the crazies and gangsters, instead of getting shanked by them!

Finally, everyone needs to get a little mystical every now and then.

This tiny picture (which is all I could find from the internets) is The Book of the Bizarre. Ghost stories, strange facts, and even stranger practices. The stuff in here will shock you. But for the journeyman Saboteur (or journeywoman) out in the world, sometimes things get freaky. Sometimes things get hooky. Sometimes, things get just a little unexplainable. For times like that, you need to know which way the Ouija board is pointing. Get some knowledge on the occult and then pray you only meet Casper, the friendly ghost.

So, all ya'll got a good start on your reeducation. Hopefully you payed close attention. Nonetheless, some of you may need to reread this - and you better. Check out the texts; then come back for the next lesson.


8 footnotes:

Shattered illusions said...

Schott's Original Miscellany, seems interesting. Probably wouldn’t read it right now because I have lots of books to read, one being autobiography and the other being a political manuscripts but the other are all novels. I haven’t read a decent book in a long time, I feel like I no longer have the time but I shall hopefully start reading again.

Zek J Evets said...

Well, if you're looking for a good book to read (and not reeducate) then you should definitely check out Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon.

Lex said...

Calvin and Hobbes is the shit. And will check out the list, it'll be interesting to see what you put in that funny mind of yours.

Zek J Evets said...

funny as in "funny, haha," or funny as in "funny - you need help"?

Lex said...

Funny as in "haha I'm laughing over the fact that you need help"... but in a good way, I like your madness.

Zek J Evets said...


thanks? i guess.

TeenCreeps said...

my friend recently bought the graffity book haha
but the "female version"

Zek J Evets said...

there's a female version???

weird. random.