Thursday, January 22, 2009


You knew this was coming.

Living in San Francico, I tend to run into A LOT of hipsters. And as a subcultural anthropologist, it is my solemn duty to recognize, categorize, and understand this strange species of the youth zeitgeist.

Now you might be asking, "Steve, why do you hate on hipsters so much? Don't you have anything better to do?" Well first of all, no, I don't have anything better to do. Thanks, douchebag. Second, I hate on hipsters for the same reason I hate on MCR fans, vamp-goths, tweens, bros, women with too much plastic surgery, and ultra-liberal activists - they're stupid & annoying. They piss me off by their very existence. It's almost an insult to humanity that such varieties of peoples exist. I mean, I could stand a crack-ho, because at least she's not pretending to be anything other than a ho who will suck your dick for crack-rock. Whereas other social groups - let's say, hipsters - seem to think they aren't what in fact they are. Thus, they are douchebags and deserve to be mocked. Oh, and mock I shall.

Here we have a diagram of your typical hipster. Note his plastic neon-colored sunglasses and brown-paper wrapped PBR. The hipster wears dilapadated clothing in a sincere effort to appropriate some sort of authenticity because they themselves posses none. The fix gear bike, the janitor key-ring, etc, all are attempts at adopting iconic references to working-class people in an effort to pretend they are somehow relevant and/or cool.

A particularly disgusting habit of many hipsters is to wear t-shirts with logos of 90's cartoon shows - TMNT, Captain Planet - children's books - Where the Wild Things Are, Where the Sidewalk Ends - and even video games - Zelda, Mario, Warcraft. Tattoos of these geek-culture icons are also becoming popular among a hipster-subgroup community that I'm calling the "metal-hipster".

The mentality is that "coolness" can only be achieved by taking the "uncool" and perverting it for their own self-image. (Authors note: all these things ARE actually cool. The reason why it is disgusting on a hipster is that hipsters never originally enjoyed these things. They only started sporting them as a method to the madness of their fad...ness.)

Here we have an example of the hipster girl. Note the too-high too-big belt and extensive bangles on both the neck and arms. Hipster girls tend to appropriate fashion from the 1920's and 1960's, via flapper-style dresses and high-waisted pants/shorts.

This particular example comes from Williamsburg, but close examination reveals traits inherent in all hipster chicks (and indeed, inherent in all hipsters regardless of gender): quirky fashion sense coupled with modern parody of older styles.

Particularly noticeable about hipster girls is their tendency to wear wide-rimmed glasses, usually with perscription-less lenses or, even worse, no lenses at all. (This was possibly a precursor to the dreaded shutter-shades invasion of 2007.) San Francisco hipster chicks seem to have a peculiar preference for mustard-yellow cardigans. Whether this is merely a regional difference, or warning of an impending shift amongst popular uncool colors, I cannot tell at this time.

Now let's talk about hair-styles and beards.

For male hipsters typically some sort of "scruffy" appearance is what lady hipsters find most desireable. The more dirty, grungy, and disheveld, the better. (How this lack of hygiene is attractive is undiscernable at this time, but theories indicate that it has something to do with the "just woken-up" look.) Also, male hipsters seem to have a seasonal-shedding process, shaving off their winter beards for a railroad robber mustache in the spring. Indeed, reports of young hipster guys tying tweens to railroad tracks have been reported in isolated communities such as Buffalo, and Orange County.

The "natural hipster" seems to be most prevalent in San Francisco, where veganism (AKA starvation) has corrupted the palates of a generation of mid-twenties hipsters. However, despite differences all hipsters are capable of breeding with one another, thus creating hipster-mutants. These strange cultural concotions are used by the hipster father/mother as a veritable human accessory to enhance their appropriations of authenticity via parenthood.

Which brings me to my next point: hipster mating habits.

Typical hipsters congregate in cheap dive bars, art galleries, soul clubs, museums, and house parties. Finding a mate usually begins with a series of "deep, soul-searching stares" that notifies the female hipster, "hey, I think you should give me a tug-job in the bathroom." While hipsters in general claim to be searching for "authentic, meaningful relationships" they are usually content with an authentic, meaningful one-night stand listening to Animal Collective or The Decemberists.

Now this has been a relatively short introduction/destruction of the hipster group as it exists in America & Western Europe. But for those of you fellow saboteurs and subcultural anthropologists seeking further information about this blight on our urban environment, I suggest looking at primary sources such as HipsterRunoff and Last Night's Party. Also, get out there and see them in the wild. Look in your city's recently gentrified neighborhoods.

Here is a diagram outlining hipster iconography so that you may know them on sight.

Good luck!


5 footnotes:

Lex said... that's all those weird sour smelling people at school....

Zek J Evets said...


mock them like you would a stupid politician.

TeenCreeps said...

i hate hipsters blahhh
my friend dresses exactly like the diagram with the american apparel hoodie and janitor keys.....

Zek J Evets said...


weird that you'd be friends with her then. doesn't seem like your type of peoples.

but then again, i guess anything is possible when it comes to people.

TeenCreeps said...

in my city the new thing is to be a poser scenester or poser hipster