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Friday, January 9, 2009

Defining the Hopeless Romantic


What is this mysterious caricture of a person? The hidden persona which says, "Yes! I will love and then loss. I will suffer the slings and arrers of OUTRAGEOUS heartbreak. Give me the physical memory of ex-lovers. Give me the human-shaped dent in the bed. Play random songs on your sound system that remind me of my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/somethingfriend. Talk about his/her/its new success without me in their life. YES! I want to suffer as much as I can, and then do it all over again."



Oooookay. Maybe that was a bit much. It was a bit much wasn't it? How many blogs have I been depressed for? I lost count somewhere around waythefucktoomany.

But on a serious note: as a sub-cultural anthropologist starting a new phase in his single life, I want to explore the stereotype that seems most applicable to my personality - The Hopeless Romantic.

- emotionally sensitive
- likes long walks on the beach
- often sits alone in public places staring at the couples
- listens to jewel/dido/bon jovi/alanis morissette/fiona apple/iron & wine excessively
- watches movies like Love Actually, You've Got Mail, or (dear god help us) When Harry Met Sally
- is constantly asking you if your new hott friend/coworker/classmate/roommate/bandmate/random stranger has a boyfriend or girlfriend
- thinks random hook-ups are offensive, except when they happen to them
- has never had a real relationship, but would TOTALLY marry the first person to have them
- writes reaaally bad love poems or plays music which is a terrible imitation of john mayer
- over-analyzes EVERYTHING
- doesn't get laid enough... ever
- sings catchy-pop songs in the shower
- has serious conversations with their cat/dog/parrot/hamster/goldfish
- thinks about lowering their standards ALL THE TIME, then realizes they've already lowered them as far as they'll go
- hugs people awkwardly for a long time
- goes into momentary brain-death-fart when an attractive person of the opposite sex (or same, i guess) smiles at them
- always assumes people who look near them are looking AT them
- can't stop reading Chicken Soup for the Soul, because, "IT'S SO TRUE!"
- needs to get a life because they watch videos like this:



and this,



and this,



and actually enjoyed it.

Yeeeeaaaah... that's about all, I think. If I missed any, please feel free to contribute, and I'll add it in.

***BONUS***



Please send all inquiries to my email - zekjevets@gmail.com. Nudie-pics are a plus!

11 footnotes:

samantha biotch said...

wow the last one!!

dammnnn speechless

=/

and the kiss
uugghhh.

Anonymous said...

Hey, don't knock When Harry Met Sally. It's the single greatest, most comforting movie for hopeless romantics like us to watch and feel, however briefly, that things are eventually going to go our way.

Lex said...

You know some of those also apply to the really artistic people. Sensitive people who are really in touch with their emotions make some really good stuff.

Have you written love poems? Now I think those would be really interesting to read...you might have crap, but from what I've read you've got really good shit. lol

Zek J Evets said...

actually, i like When Harry Met Sally... i just also recognize that it makes me part of the top 10% of sappiest people on the planet.

as for love poem... i have written many many love poems. my forthcoming book has plenty of 'em. also, my first published poem is a love poem.

that being said, i reaaally hate my love poems. i read them (usually much later) and cringe at the overwhelming amount of emotion. it just screams, "don't touch me - i'm a loser."

but eh. people seem to like them.

TeenCreeps said...

the last video was my favorite
im a hopeless romantic too
haha

varmintspath said...

uhh i can totally relate to your list, except the choice of movies and music which unfortunately means your hopeless. but hey if it makes you happy i won't hate. as long as i can't hear it from over here haha...

Zek J Evets said...

ouch varmint!

i wonder if i should add to the list, "gets blasted on his OWN blog by total strangers."

haha...i guess it could be worse. right?

DiscoDancing said...

Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-84anmYGv4

& I guess I am stalking around in your blog :p

Zek J Evets said...

@disco: that was a really good short.

and it made me sad, because you know if you did something like that in real life, the whole bit would go horribly wrong at some point.

she'd have a boyfriend (or girlfriend). she could be creeped out and leave. she might not be physically attracted to you. she thinks she's too busy for a relationship. she's a serial killer.

i mean, as beautiful as those sentiments are, they rarely translate into action.

at least... they haven't worked when i've done them.

DiscoDancing said...

Yeah, that short always manages to make me feel lonely.

People hate being open with each other in person now a days. It's like I have most of my relationships online instead of face-to-face.

I think girls are lot more forgiving about looks for guys than they are for girls.

& of course. Which is why (sadly) they're simply sentiments and wishes.
Well, I'm attracted to that sort of straight forward-ness. But, you know.

Zek J Evets said...

@disco: yeah, i know, i really really do...

but thanks for being the change you wish to see in the world. it's a helpful start, at least =)