Friday, October 17, 2008

This is serious business

I have something very important to talk about. This is an issue that continues to mystify and baffle the world's foremost scientists, engineers, psychoanalysts...and other smart people. What is this great conundrum you ask?

It's people who take pictures with their cats.

Actually, it's even more specific than that - people who take MYSPACE PICTURES with their cat! Top researchers at many qualified intitutions have determined that this is a new mutant variation of the prototypical "Myspace pic". Instead of showing internet savvy via cell-phones and mirrors, the subject inserts their domesticated animal into the picture in order to get people to "leav me sum cmmnts, guys!"

My theory is that douchebag status goes up exponentially based on how much cat you use to cover yourself. Most examples of mycat pics (trademarked) make use of lifting the cat onto the shoulder and tilting slightly in order to give the head a quirky angle in relation to the uninterested cat. Is there a secret mathematical truth hidden amongst these mycat pic formulae? Does showing two eyes and an ear as opposed to an ear and cheek reveal how baby sea turtles always find their way back to the same beach of their birth?

This frightening phenomenon has only recently come to light when, looking through my friends list, instead of thumbnail pictures of my friends...I noticed a large amount of cats. A quick calculation revealed that the ratio of regular profile pictures to profile pictures with AT LEAST 50% cat was a startling 10 to 1. That means, out of my eighty (80) friends, a full eight of them, or so, have become afflicted with this embarrassing condition! (Second-hand symptoms include pointing & laughing at them for extended periods of time.) It is noteworthy to mention that while international statistics show that this affects both genders equally, my personal experience shows a higher amount of women - between the ages of six & post-menopausal - who exhibit classic symptoms of "mycatpicanosis syndrome".

Being the compassionate individual that I am I feel that it is my duty, nay mission! To save people from this fate by educating people and "getting the word out there" about mycatpicanosis syndrome. Look at these sad, afflicted individuals. See their pain, deep down, beneath the stupid expressions and angry cats. There is a person in need of your help.

Okay...seriously...WHY are you people taking pictures with your cats? Look at the above photographs. Look! Does the cat seem even remotely interested in this pathetic attempt at posterity? No! The cat is looking off camera at the mouse/bird/shoelace crawling across the floor, as if put there by the Almighty Cat God's of stalking & pouncing. Or they're just plotting your imminent death.

I don't want to see pictures of your cats. Sorry, but I'm just not interested. Hell, I barely care enough to want to see REGULAR pictures of you. But forcing me to have to optically navigate around the apathetic mug of your cat just to see half of the right-side of your face??? I mean, c'mon! Don't use your animals as a living, breathing alternative accessory to give your picture that "clickable zest".

If not for American libel laws I would show you the pictures of my friends who have shamed themselves and I with their pedantic attempts to get me to leave them a comment. Unfortunately, all I can do is show you these freely-distributable pictures.

Take a good look at the future...hairballs and all.

Remember kids, cats might be evil, manipulative animals that would watch you die while wondering if you could feed them first - but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings! Don't succumb to mycatpicanosis syndrome. If not for yourself, then do it for your cat...lest one day during a fury to get the next-best mycat pic and poor lil' mousecatcher isn't cooperating so that you end up like this:

2 footnotes:

Dave said...

I'm pretty sure you're talking about me.

Zek J Evets said...

don't be so self-centered.

i'm talking about other people too!