Tuesday, April 29, 2008

text blocks for carving out the ideas

fever dreams sleep need from repeating gestures unable that i try and try to make understood for you my love but all you seem to see is my silence and i didn't mean to make you angry for that or didn't mean to make you sad from it because the heat is making me crazy no sweats dripping pores locked up like prison cells and pages and pages of yellow paper with blue ink sand-n-sea i've drawn for playing castle buildings or pit digging but my tongue opens up in the hot and turns to grains dropping into hourglasses appearing out of nowhere, now here time always constantly appeared punctual like good mannered guest for dinner on my phlem pulled up from the bronchids shot out eighty-eight miles per hour to the past in a fever sweat breaking loose with dynamite dreams of hands moving to no sound, conductor to no music but something is being said in silence mimed over blackface bright red lips blue eyes why they speak quietly and no noise is too much sound ears seal themselves with mucus getting sicker to save the senses from sensing this last bit of the relationship you & I don't have but holding on to phantom-outline traced disappear-reappearing ink some lines are already there, the paper's already been squared longways sideways horizontal no where to go but up up in our heads coming down slow paper floats and horizontal lines seperate to weigh it down i've lost the words when it fell on the ground i need a dictionary to get new language to say what i said lost being gone being only remembered someone tell me the new vocabulary i wasn't at school today to learn about trapazoids and my pencil's run out of lead to write it all down so i'll type it on my brain like a computer is a computer putty silicon etched circuit boards firing pulse of electronic messages lost in translation of technobabble to common speech, "this isn't a regular female" new phrase jingo lingo pinged for one-liners at parties to impress over cocktails and cockteasing me and you and looking over there i see starry night but it's cloudy out and you don't own any paintings like so we go on forever covering up mistakes bedsheets flinging about over wine-stains i slipped too much so you can't clean up let the mess be because we're still talking stop cleaning! stop not looking see! this isn't a regular circle it's got bumps but rolls still downhill tonight we'll go rolling downhill like jack and jill and cheese packed tight to spring at the end why bother with any of it we can just lie here but the gutter smells and the smog i can't see the stars only street lights with moths dirt wings flicking dust in my nose i rub it and it comes off like potato head dolls replaced with something funnier i should have parts been born interchangeable accessories to design identity like the lined paper blue inked horizontal someone did it but they like straight narrow corridors on white, or yellow sheets holed cheese sea water pushing through a color inverted heart pump pumping sea ink fungi i need a drink don't let me get up i've had one too many you made me wait waste time's up

game over.

[jump to continue - click header]

text blocks make walls of words climb over jump rope with consonate vines scrapping knees pushing up up up top to see landscape painted exhaustive climber see whole new world brave new city doesn't know it won't exist in the next one hundred years we'll be dust under boots of modern technology or is it nature the lines are getting blurry i can't tell the different between this or that and why are you eating that from off the ground!? this food isn't healthy read what i said looking down at the fence the top isn't too tall is it? i've got vertigo i'm gonna fall i'm falling falling down to the earth humpety dumpty is just a game of breaking eggs but i broke and got drunk up in the ground let me just lie here underneath please for five seconds five more please it's cool under here shade plays blankets tummy tucked 'round me like little baby from broken tree limb nursery rhymes sung to me sleep i don't sleep anymore just stay up all night watching pixilated screen flash flash flash lightening screen glass container makes me dizzy dizty sleep weak for is the what? i had too much and gave it away but nothing came back nothing ever comes back i always have a hand out just in case someone has one out too maybe we'll touch randomly beautiful entropy taking us all down to zero which is a perfect circle no bumps smooth rounded for you & me to stay here running around the edges that don't look like ends but constant beginnings i drew them little lines running rivers inked in ellipses go go go out! be free completely laughter dancing sings songs for you & me & him & her & all these other people who want to play but their faces look darker i can't see them in the light only the night i like the night let's all be blue with moonlight i see no colors just washed out clean soap rock moon rock falling down on me the sky is falling all the time can you see the holes where its broken through there's something shining through can you see can you? see this isn't just a complete game but more like half-play halfway to being funny except when someone hurts themselves why would they do that? i didn't do it it made me do you made me do it wait why are we fighting? i wanted to tell you something important pointing fingers out at you points more back at me am i egotistical? these sentences were meant to be read but said out loud sound like nonsense nosentence grammar rules don't rule because we learned them broke them breaking it down to live inbetween cracks creviced rules make it so easy why can't we just always be like this free completely? utopia sounds a bubbly word so popped easily into drops wet on skin soaking up the soapy mess somebody hasn't even tried to blow it really big bigger biggest to hold more till it busts and we all come tumbling down i like the riding cycle handle bars optional equipment we just guide the wheels with our legs or are they the same thing? i can't meld with metal can i meld with you? putt putt putting along paths made as we pass time's come unstuck from the wall lines go circles cycles recycled 'round the rosey ring-a-round the rosey pockets full of nosey people see they need to watch t.v. bust that rabbit-ear set! technicolor is brighter than really life is really we can't be that good looking look we only are somebeautiful a little pretty but scars still shine in sunlight arcs of how does that light curve over skin shaped undone but your hurts kissed better sting worse nobody wants to be pitied only remembered right? right because we play the same song over and over again in case the batteries run out we pump them full of juice not drinking listening i hear you singing along let's drum on their teeth hollow fake white bright reflects starlight back into space shines like carpet gems laid out i'm rambling this road laid out placed down place mats here? here is the place? where is the place? where do we get out? no corners to meet we just have to keep running around into each other passing each other on and on by the by bye the bye goodbye i said hello already what's with the formalities? you know me don't know why you don't don't you know me, already? this isn't funny anymore because i can't keep track confusion wraps head bands tight like elastic pulled snapped back head whaps! i used to know the score and other things amazing information put with little filing cabinets in my brain wrinkled from the effort and finding them again being lost is too much fun for things to come back and be found again let's be lost do you want to come over and get crazy?

& so on

butter plate licking bread sticks tossed who gets the first taste of this popsicle stick melted in summer light bright bulbs flashed hunger hungry hippos i'm not fat! just big for my size, small in comparison the sky is much too high overhead and you ate all the butter sweet butter churning for hours i churned never mind it doesn't matter what you eat i ate something else perspective is a fun game to play on others but let me keep my own ideas are hard to come by these days nobody knows what creativity can do for you slices dices and turns money into pieces oh no! tape the dollars back together maybe nobody will notice that it's just paper green tinged greed jealously backed up by big brother government banknote sender lending us their debt i don't want to pay for you too we're all so fucked up lately insomnia leaves sleep pills pointless when you can't dream but eyelids still twitching little bits biting leave toothmarks no gum spots all the hollow white drum heads fell out shouldn't plant bleach soon you'll be too white forced out of the color spectrum buy yourself some rainbows it's been wet enough recently coming down like cats and dogs but i never liked that expression i liked when it rained food pancake stacks fall with syrup butter mixed swirled forever on and hopefully we don't waste anything wasted too much already can't give it away because who would take it? there's no hands held out only mouths but i'm scared to get near their lips speaking such strange things to me spelled words not english if only spoken i don't speak any other languages but me what else is there to say?

we've said not enough already

blues freak saxophone plays big band tunes to b-flat e-flat major minor sharp chords cut criss-cross cross-cut saw wanna play me a new song nobody knows my old song singing long notes high-pitched screams floating bells tickle me with your guitar strings don't blow a b-flat with that fingering this was supposed to be a nice song not a sad song no more sad songs we can't stop singing like birds too fast to say it gotta play it faster and faster reed lips squeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak! wood on the rubber blowing hard but nothing comes out nothing's coming out of my mouthpiece but i'm playing! this was supposed to be a fast song fingers glide rocks skipped water talk morse code splash splosh splishity splashity splosh! we got to commnicate but right now i'm immolating in too many thoughts thinking about you my love loved you could love you didn't love you wanted to try this one time playing faster through our dancing steps twirl darling twirl! this is the part of the song where we part hands can interlock finger tips later darling we've got to go different ways daunting isn't it when you're trying making things work the opposit way you're thinking i thought about it for a bit and gave up from trying only now you've got me going again again this is just not making sense drum taps smack smack smack me in the face wood chips from the sticks hitting impervious skins drum heads beaten in got little indentations from the hits high-hat rat-ta-tat-tat let's play something fast even though we've gone so quick i need to be quicksilver flashed so you can't see not-seeing is the whole point your eyes are trustworthy they lied deceived me & you listen to the song it's not over never over nothing's ever over only starting over again we've got to wooden floor for dancing made to move movement is being alive like milk is to ice-cream and cake god the icing on our cake is so good your shoes white cream suppled leather creaking i didn't mean to twirl you that hard darling please come back to me after your done with that gentleman over there in the corner he's not a sailor or musician but i'm a lover you're my lover we're all trying to love why's he got to be all the love in the world? a trumpet's made of brass made of sass shining under lights made to dance all over our bodies like the trumpet's reflected all over our bodies polka-dot cornet outlines playing saint jame's infirmary "you ain't never gonna find another man like me" i'm the only one who's left that calls himself a man, everyone's a stud a dude a bro a hipster a cool cat a beau a hot sexy fine sonofabitch wanna rub your legs right up on his only one i've got nothing to top all his facade didn't you know it wasn't real? they're never real when they look that good only ugliness is honest because it never gave a fuck you wanted a fuck but got fucked so fuck you! i didn't ask for this i asked for you to come back to me come back to me back to come wait that didn't make sense out of this past or present tense why worry when the future happens every second? there's nothing left but broken things inside shaking around it cuts like glass like busted bullets blown from guns fired off your brain firing off your thoughts you think and it shoots me bam! bam! bam! dead on the ground like you wanted so that everything's less complicated we've forgotten what it's like to have shit fucked up nobody knows why they press on others just an instinctual reaction it hurts me to see you like this please leave alone me want alone me one alone the only one alone inside i pushed the broken bits outside for your feet to get ripped to shreds i see they're torn and the bloods pushing along the floor like a raft out to sea my sea i made it with my own hands out of your feet you're a fountain head of your own misery i made you like that i made you how i wished because you made me how i hated to have to be oy vey there's nothing happy anymore happy endings feel so fake people laugh in the theatre when things are supposed to work out who would believe that?

i would

there's somethng about living away from everyone you've ever known i don't know you or her or that guy over there in the corner everyone's a stranger to me but i don't care because i expected this to happen i expected to be gone away from everyone i've ever known and we don't like to be alone but i like to be alone being by myself lets me be myself and sometimes you really need to be yourself especially by yourself why are people weird if they like solitude? is it because we're supposed to be social animals? are we supposed to be in love of company? i don't love company though i do love some company when i'm at my most loneliest which is hard to get because we're so damned close to everyone i can call up anyone in the world i want aslong as i have the number and say, hey! how's that for connection? communication's too easy i don't value it anymore i want to have to work to stay in touch but more than that it makes me feel better for not talking to the people i don't want to who wants to talk to your relations every week? i might have your blood but not your interests so just let me be for a few months and we'll catch up on thanksgiving or something, eh? but at the same time people are too flaky and i don't want to be flaky who wants to be flaky? we're all so goddamned lazy about trying to make a connection and yet we do these half-hearted half-assed things as if we cared whether this person or that person wanted to hang out or whatever maybe some people just think they should feel connected to everyone even if they don't really want to maybe that's it it's the illusion of being tied to it all like a spider like some kind of fucking mastermind in the control room who cares nobody cares i don't care i'm just trying to have a good time i could keep writing all night about this shit so why even try writing about it if i could do it it means it ain't worth it because i can i want to do something i can't do never tried to do never knew was possible but there's no time for that nobody wants to grow everybody just wants to prove that they're worth something now not that they might be worth something eventually it's all fucked up gone to hell which is down or up or sideways i like being sideways makes me feel neutral but if you're neutral it just means you don't have an opinion uh-oh the clock turned 11:11 and i had to make the same wish again re-wishing is a bit of an odd thing to, like stacking up my wishes might make them topple into fulfillment but i know that can't happen nothing happens anymore everything already happened and we're just waiting for the re-runs to end ad we can finally see something new is it all that bad? has it just completely fallen apart? i thought we built this place out of better things than that? sticks and stones may break my bones and that sure is enough sometimes to get me to shut up i don't like pain i'm afraid to hurt to get sick and die nobody wants to die well, some people want to die and fuck them because they're afraid or in too much pain which means they're afraid or they're ignorant or they've never realized the things everyone else learned when they were a baby which is: life is good because who wants to be dead? death is nothing empty glass not full period so stop bitching about being sad i mean, go ahead and complain you've got a right since you're here but complain to yourself have some manners it doesn't take much to be polite and it shows you've got some sense in your head common sense should be renamed let's call it uncommon sense or maybe rare sense rarified sensibility we've gone and used it all i guess and it ain't so common anymore who knows? nobody knows but everyone's got a guess i've got a guess too a guesstimate guesstimation is an approximation of all the shit that flew out the door don't let it hit you it hit me once twice three times bam! biff! bang! boom! what the hell was that? it was your heart it just died but you're still walking on two legs no less! maybe you're a monster i'm nothing but what they made me and they made a monster don't say that! i didn't turn out like this on purpose we just made it up as we went along we go along riding in fancy styles hoping to get noticed but i just wanted to get by remembered, who wants to be noticed? i'd rather have something more important wouldn't you?

wouldn't i

whirlwinds whirlpools pool pulled wind at my feet whipped 'round like turning costantly makes the head dizzy makes everything blurred my eyes want to focus and the ground just keeps moving faster than fast which is fastest? we're so moving it's impossible to catch up with what ran ahead or we lap it all and then it has to catch with us i'd rather be in step alongside it all which is what? what is what? what is who is where is why is how is when is now and then again maybe all of it is something else everything doesn't have to be what i say it is making like i'm creator designator having everything according to my nomenclature let's organize this with a better sense of order did you bring a filing cabinet? don't forget tabs and lined paper we'll need white-out to take-out the mistakes written red penned in fences closing tight grasping hands of ink corrections where did i go wrong? this isn't an A grade paper? well fuck you then! i wrote what i thought are my thoughts wrong then? what's wrong then? is it myself who's wrong then? well well well then? tell me something i don't know like how the moon came to become so bright but only on the nights when everything goes mad or what's the reason for reality tv like i don't have enough of real life already? i could go outside instead of watching you people who exist but not really you're a faux-persona get out of my face! nobody lives like you do rich and pretty pretty fake pretty unrealistic for reality television lied to me so what else is new? newness is a feeling or a state of mind nothing's been new since Adam and Eve first walked out naked and said, "oh shit! what the hell is that?" or something like that i tend to work in approximations because all i know how to do is guess they won't teach me anything instead i spend my time learning what i already knew i know this crap is wasting my time when i could be finding out the way to write this story better or the notes to Charlie Parker's life or the lines to put into another doodle and why Bryce Courtenay killed someone we loved - i loved - and all of that seems much more important than proving to you i learned something i know i learned something i'm paying for my education which is a fine and admirable thing but you've shown me that nothing worth learning can be taught (thanks Oscar Wilde) so we'll just keep this between you and me nobody has to know i disagree we can pretend very well can't we? but i hate having to lie like this it feels so loathesome to be faking it like an orgasm like a good time with someone i don't like like an attraction i lost way back when it wasn't so hard to have one like the time everybody heard me say something i said in my head out loud it was dangerous to be so honest it is dangerous to tell people what you're really thinking you can't trust them to not go crazy your real opinions must go unnoticed hide before someone sees them! swept under the rug it's warm inside fibers colored pretty to hide what's beneath the floor on top the wood paneling we made with our own hands forget about it professor i'll just go make the grade and you can try to convince me you're not full of bullshit some other time when i have free time more time to devout to giving you a second third fourth fifth chance going on twenty-something and that isn't my age i'm much older but you only judge by what it says on my birth certificate so how would you know who i am? don't pretend we're all good chums i know you're an ego maniac you talked about yourself but forgot about everyone else i don't get angry anymore i just get better it's so much satisfaction to be something someone said you couldn't become and then go further than they thought limbs would touch and bottoms would find a place to sit for eyes to see from don't you get it yet? i'm saying shut up so i can climb ontop your shoulders and draw my picture that you're too busy ignoring to see i can do it better by myself anyways, i'm an artist aren't i? hopefully i'll find another person who went to the top of the wall and sat down next to me or another travelling troubadour singing dancing painting writing making stories in each and every form we're off from hilltop to hilltop gazing at city starlight or far-stretched sea black made rolling but that's just a dream dreams aren't for living until you're ready to start dying i've felt like dying too much even one second is enough to be enough for me i'd rather always feel living completely alive like something that breathes through its extremities i want to touch and be filled each time fingertips brush skin or rub my facial hair move objects and set pen to paper there's got to be something flowing inside because i'm living not dead yet it's much too soon for that so please get going you fools! we've only got a second (or so it seems each time the moment's passed) and i don't want to miss a moment of it! this time can be whatever i want to be Dali already showed me how let's melt the clocks and let the hour hand grow longer let the minute hand reach out to infinity maybe it'll never come back we could stay in these last bits forever not hidden but more like happy i'd like to be happy with someone who's not embarassed to say they're happy to use happy to write happy draw happy be happy what's wrong with happy? i don't care if you think it's corney because it fits with what i feel i know i can tell you now happy is how i'd like to be care-free kiddy oh-so silly that's about right i think

i hope so thought so.

so we go a roving, pushing that easy wisdom down our throats deep gag swallow throw it back up but always the wisdom is coming down a single pipe and so you can't resist but learn not even learn though (you can't teach the unwilling; the unwanting won't learn), its more like infection you've been stuck with a barb sunk down in your skin it goes twitchy there flailing around the flesh leaving scar after scar that spreads till your whole person changed into your reaction to knowing something you didn't know before and didn't ever intend to know at all wisdom can't be given or taught or shown wisdom ain't as easy as something so prosaic you've got to suffer for it you've got to hurt and bleed so that there's nothing between you two mind and metaphysical something or other - i can't give wisdom a physicality - the pain is part of the process but it ain't always feeling like pain it feels like emotion so much you think its pain because ya can't take all of that going through your body and so you break down a little till your harder and tougher too thick to feel as much but able to get what's coming so much quicker for it you need to die a little in order to live. right? you need to take that cut or bruise or bleeding sore every spot dripping red and pus blowing up like balloons and let it sit there become a part of you the scar formed is your wisdom right there, as close as you'll ever get to something in your head becoming something in the world not even dreams leave marks on your skin but what you learned always has a spot to point to and say, "that's when i learned the sky ain't really blue and birds don't always know how to fly." we'll keep it kosher though and pretend this all CAN be passed along like a plate 'round some sunday dinner you've got to pretend or the reality will press too close and use up all the air inside our lungs

we've got to keep laying it out.

wood reed cut lip hand bones frozen cold slow melodies and nobody noticed in the acoustic wall missle barrage from alotta drums in no time playing against each others' grain cuts don't it? red spots swell up as harmony only not really harmony and not really melody or anything else this isn't a song no sing-a-long just stop and listen you can hear the noise sound like this forced louder octave reaching maximum power! calloused palms flake skin off every off beat brought up to chest level thrust down to between your legs their legs muscles shake holding steady so long they want to dance not tight still but the sun makes it a little better sweat coats coaxes groove out of the shell my saxophone bell almost too small to hide something that long right? the curves conceal its shape looking twisted this line i'm playing was made straight hold off on the bridge we want to give the guys a chance to solo go ahead boyo! play that shit i want to keep going drunks always like to tell you how good you are make you stop playing to say they like ya love ya want to encourage you funky music man! play it dig it twist it turn it out, that guy over there's a friend him & you make it though i'm too drunk too notice he's fucked-up too we can't comingle our music never say anything though smile just teeth and soft eyes give 'em a squeal high note for instant applause they wouldn't know difficulty from any other mode i've played all the keys going back around to the beginning nobody suspected a thing did they? i think i already did that idea before we got to this which is better for that and no one will know they can't hear only guess mary jane smells sour in a sun-sweat stink all these people bearded bare chested unwashed falling up in their heads dropped acid or horse or white powder snuff the sound's an excuse to be wasted strung out like skeletons in a chinese torture session mind over matter man! keep executing tunes one thru nineteen over and over wait...

why'd everybody stop?