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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Don't clean up a person, clean up your personality

Today was a day of little bits of wisdom permeating. I was in the Humanities building a lot today, for class, and all over the men's bathroom stalls you'll find some interesting stuff written down. I remember one line was, "make out to peace out!" Another was, "this isn't ain't mine." I even saw, "tell Sheryl in ENG 214 she's a dirty whore. fucked my best friend, used me for money, got my roommates to kick me out, but i was still in love with her till she stole my favorite hoody. Bitch."

It was pretty intense and after looking at them for a while I started going to all the men's bathrooms on every floor of the building. Each one had some crazy phrases, quotes, bits of advice, and warnings written inside. Well, maybe it's just the state I'm in, but I was in need of whatever I could get for what I've got going on with me right now.

Here's the whole line: "You can't clean up a person. They gotta be their own way. Clean up your personality and stop hating." Not exactly something awe-inspiring, but at the time it really hit me. It still does.

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I've got a bad habit of being too detached or being too attached. Most people, I accept them as they are. All the flaws, eccentricities, and strengths are taken without judgment. I'm not invested in the person, so why should I get all worked up if they cheat on their significant other but have an amazing talent? Hell, even people who are utterly depraved - I just can't judge. I'm not invested in them as a person. They're merely a character in my life, watching to see what they do next.

But, with family or someone I'm friends with, someone I admire, trust, like, love, even, I don't act that way. When I've got a deep feeling for a person I can't let their flaws slide as easily. There's this need in me for them to be perfect. And why? I'm not sure. So I can feel good about trusting them? So I don't open myself up to someone who isn't worth it? Something like that.

I want the people I put deeply in my life to be genuine.

And there's my problem. Sometimes I have to remember that people ARE different, and just because I suddenly feel more for them doesn't change who or what they are. They're going to always be the same person they've always been, and if it was good enough before then it should be good enough now. And if it isn't...well, then I'm a fucking asshole, aren't I?

So, that's why the quote affected me. I was looking for something to tell me why I kept getting hurt when the people I care for didn't somehow live up to my "expectations," they weren't "good enough" on some level. It was because I wasn't letting them be imperfect and real. It wasn't ever them that was messed-up, really. It was me.

True, I can't take back my feelings that sometimes those people aren't what I wish they were. They show a weakness, or a flaw, or some kind of cruelty that I feel is inexcusable, and suddenly I become filled with this incredible disappointment or frustration. Why can't they be better than this? Don't they see what they're acting like? On and on, like I'm so fucking great myself, that my shit doesn't stink either. But even though I know this, there's no taking back my own feelings.

The only thing I can do is understand that I'm showing my weaknesses the second I become intolerant of someone else's. Who am I to judge? Who am I to say what a person should or shouldn't be like? I've got to learn to tell the difference between what I think is right for a person, and what's actually right for them.

I need to take a step back, breath, pull my head out of my ass and have a little compassion. We've all got our problems and I don't make things better by getting in someone's face about it. Better to give my advice when it's asked for, and then, only tell them from my experience. Don't try and be Dr. Phil - he doesn't really help. And his mustache is fugly.

Okay. End rant. Begin revamp.

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